Nu can Cook!
by Makuta52
Summary: Murakumo Unit v-13 tries her best to present everybody with a feast that they won't soon be forgetting. Oh, they won't...


**A/N: Hello readers! This is Makuta52, writing my third fan fiction. This little idea came in my head because…um…I was wondering what would happen if it did. Judging by the title you're probably like, "What the f?" Yeah, good, you should. You have the right mindset. Enjoy, and I'll see you at the bottom!**

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><p>Blazblue, and anything in it, or associated with it, is owned by Ark System Works. I don't own a thing.<p>

"PLEASE?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

Rachel sighed. She never thought dealing with a cybernetic human with the attitude of a ten year old would be so…taxing. All she wanted was a relaxing day alone in her humble castle home, save for her butler and familiars. Instead…

"Please, Ms. Alucard? Nu can do it!" The white haired Murakumo Unit continued to plead with the vampire. She was on her knees, her hands cupped together, shaking them like a child wanting a toy at the store. Rachel stared down at her from her seat, annoyed.

"Because. I do not want you using my home for any kind of banquet of any sort, nor do I want you using the castle's kitchen for any cooking for said banquet, especially if it's your own cooking."

Nu frowned and looked down, saddened by her reply. "But…I wanted to, like, have a get together with everybody."

From behind Rachel's chair, a plump red bat floated up. "Yeah! That sounds good to me Princess - GAH!"

A quick grab and Gii was caught in her master's grasp, who immediately let go, flinging him into the air into the wall behind the crouching Nu. Refusing to take the same punishment, the black cat-like creature that curled around the legs of the chair kept silent except for the quiet chuckling that came from watching his friend's displeasure. Unfortunate for Nago, his skills as a spy would never come to be, for a kick to the face from Rachel greeted him as she rose up from her seat.

"I am retiring to my bedroom for a short nap. Be sure to have Valkenhayn lead you to the door when you-" Rachel almost finished, before a she felt a tugging on her dress. She turned her head to find Nu, still on the floor and still looking up at her with her one, uncovered red eye, giving the puppy dog stare to the blonde.

"Please? I want to li - I want to make up for my actions in the past. Please?" Nu whimpered, stopping herself before saying 'like.'

Rachel said nothing at first, then let out a heavy sigh. "Fine. But only because I can't take your insipid whining anymore."

With a burst of happiness and a squeal full of joy, Nu jumped into the air and began running around the large gothic den they were in. Rachel watched as she bounced around, a twitch beginning to form on her perfect face. Gii and Nago, having recovered from their simple beatings, nervously watched behind their master, fearing what she might do with the giddy girl hanging from the chandelier. Nu eventually calmed down, dropping down next to Rachel.

"Like, thanks a bunch! I'm gonna start on the meal right away, matey!" The peppy Murakumo began to turn, before a cold grip took hold of her arm.

"Not so fast, Nu," Rachel glared with her blood-red eyes. "There are some rules that needed to be stated before I'm going to let you free in my household." She stabbed a finger at the paler skinned girl, emphasizing on the 'you.'

Nu looked at her with questionable seriousness. "What kind of rules?"

"First off," Rachel began, holding her hand out in front of her. "Do NOT disturb me until you are finished. I wish to inspect your handiwork only when you are done, or have given up completely.

"Secondly, I am only allowing you to use whatever I have in the kitchen and whatever you can bring yourself. Don't you dare even think about using anything else."

Nu cocked her head. "What else is there to use?"

Rachel's eyes grew wide for almost a whole second - a world record evidently - before turning around, avoiding Nu's confused gaze. "Nothing, never mind. Forget I said anything."

"Aye aye, Captain!" Nu playfully responded, only half caring what the vampire said.

Before leaving the open room, Rachel turned one last time. "I'm leaving you to do this, Nu. You can use Valkenhayn if you wish, and maybe this two if you want," swatting both Nago and Gii with one fluent motion, receiving a moan from both. "If they can do anything, that is."

Nu shook her head. "Nu will, like, totally will if she need's to! Thanks so much, Miss Rachel Alucard ma'am!" She bounded off to the kitchen, leaving Rachel shaking her head as she finally left the room.

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><p>As she popped into the kitchen, Nu began to slow down. She closed her eyes and took a long breath. She needed to concentrate…<p>

"Ah, forget that! Nu's just gonna grab anything she can find!" She squealed before opening up everything from the cabinets to the refrigerator, trying to find anything useful to grab. She even unknowingly opened up drawers full of silverware and glasses. After doing so, Nu took a gander at her choices…before grabbing as many things as possible and slamming them all on the kitchen's island. Nu took a second to comprehend why anyone would call such a random piece of furniture used for holding ingredients for cooking an island, but pushed away the thought as she began her…baking.

The Murakumo Unit ripped opened a bag of flower and dumped the heavy bag into a bowl, unwilling to wait for the flower to completely empty. She moved onto her next object: an unfortunate turkey she found in the refrigerator. Using her sharp nails, she tore the already dead bird a new one, and began to happily take out the meat within the creature. Placing that into another bowl, she again moved to her next objective, this time a group of gathered vegetables. Cabbage, carrots, green beans, turnips, corn and various other healthy greens were stacked into a pile, like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They, too, met the same fate as the turkey: slashed to bits and placed in a colander. As she did all this, jumping from task to task, Nu smiled and hummed, unwittingly singing to the complete destruction of the food around her.

During her devastation of food as a species all together, Nu turned around to find three individuals looking at her. Nago and Gii stared at her, mouths agape. Valkenhayn's would have too, but he reframed such an awkward and off-putting posture. Instead, he calmly spoke to the Murakumo Unit.

"Ms…Nu, is it? I know you are enjoying yourself, creating your…um…feast. But maybe you might need some…uh…" Valkenhayn trailed off, distracted by a few strands of spaghetti that had somehow got into the girl's snow white hair. Nu didn't notice at first, but soon found one of the strands swing out in front of her, to which she giggled at. And, to Valkenhayn's displeasure, slurped the loose strand right up, making a tiny sound afterwards, like a burp mixed with a laugh.

"OH!" Nu exclaiming, making the three jump in surprise. "I, like, have a job that you two can do!" She pointed a finger at the two cohorts behind Valkenhayn.

"U-u-u-us?" The two stuttered together, exchanging glances as Nu walked over and bent down to talk at their heights.

"Yep! I need you two to hand out these!" From her pocket, Nu pulled out multiple slips of paper, and handed them to the cat and bat. They stared at them, seeing the evident word _INVITATION_ on each one. "Like, deliver each of these to everyone on the paper, OK?"

"Uh…" The two began, not even allowed to finished before they found themselves on the front doorsteps, with a 'Good Luck!' from Nu as she slammed the door behind them.

As she walked back into the kitchen, Valkenhayn continued to stare at her, dumbfounded. How could, of all people, a Murakumo Unit have the urge to create a feast for a group of people? Whatever…

"Um, Ms. Nu? Are you sure those two can handle the task you are assigning them? Shouldn't I be the one to deliver the invitations to the guests?" The butler asked.

Nu looked at the older man and smiled. "Like, its OK. Those two can handle it. Miss Rachel said I could use them if they were, like, able to."

_I don't think they ARE able to…_ Valkenhayn thought to himself.

"Besides, I need your help with something else, matey!" Nu said matter-of-factly. "I need help setting up the table for the guests!"

"Very well, I will begin immediately." Valkenhayn bowed, but Nu blocked his way.

"OH! But first you have to help me with the pig."

"What pig?"

Nu pointed to a table behind Valkenhayn, who turned to find on said table a rather…gruesome sight: A pig strapped to the table, covered with sauces, spices…and blood. Knives littered the table it 'rested' on, looking more and more like a torture device. Its legs were tied together with string, the only motions being wiggling in fear. But then…the farm animal turned its head to stare Valkenhayn with cold, dead eyes.

"…Kill…me…" It uttered.

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><p>Neither Nago nor Gii were happy with their job forced upon them. They mumbled to themselves as they scoured Kagutsuchi, finding one guest at a time. The duo came up in front of a clinic in Orient Town and exchanged glances.<p>

"Is this the place?" Gii asked, looking from his companion back to the store, and back again.

"I guess so," Nago moaned. "The princess must have something wrong with her, letting that annoying girl boss us around like that."

"Yeah…but, doesn't she do that to us anyway?"

"…Just open the door, Gii."

The flying rodent flew towards the doorknob, and reached for it with his stubby legs. Just before he could open it, however, the door swung open, smacking the red bat in the face. The force of the opening through Gii into the air, his shout of pain ignored by Nago, who was too busy staring in fear of the person who opened the door.

"Hey! Boobie lady! There's a black cat thing outside your store!" Tao exclaimed.

Nago watched as a woman came from behind Tao, her long black hair tied together by a panda…confusing, but fitting. Litchi returned Nago's stare.

"Yes? Is there something you want?" Litchi asked.

_How dare she talk to me so demandingly…_ "Um…you are invited. Here." Nago handed the doctor an invitation.

"Oh! A party! Am I invited too?" Tao happily asked the shorter cat, who reluctantly handed her an invitation as well.

"Your presence is requested at our princess's castle. Do come…the hostess is…looking forward to your attendance," Nago quickly spat out, trying to be as cordially as he could be. "Now if you excuse me, I must find my cohort and deliver the rest of these things." He walked away, leaving Tao and Litchi watching, one more confused than the other.

After picking his friend out of a garbage can, Nago and the recovering Gii continued to deliver the letters, getting into more and more awkward moments. Eventually, though, the duo were able to hand out all the cards. They returned to their home, tired and annoyed (But hey, what else is new?). Upon their entering, they found the foyer room decked out, a long table capable of seating several guests was filled with food, many of which Nago and Gii wanted to gobble up right away. Before they could do such a task, someone came out into the room.

"No touchy you two!" Nu berated them. Her clothes and hair had been cleaned and washed, obviously - and uncharacteristically - wanting to look her best for her guests. She walked over to the two and bent down, just as before.

"So, like, did you deliver all the invitations?" She asked.

Nago sighed. "Yes, but it took lots of persuading for some of those chumps…"

"Ragna?" Nu asked, already knowing the answer.

"Ragna," The two nodded. "And Mr. Hero…and that annoying girl with the hood." Gii pointed out the other two.

Nu frowned. "Oh well. At least they're coming. Now!" She stood up, ruffling her white hair and pointed at the two. "Go wake up Miss Rachel. She'll need to be up for the guests, and Nu's, like, sure she'll need help getting ready."

"Um…but…we…uh…" The two stuttered before, again, being forced out of the open room by Nu, giving another 'Good luck!' cheer. They mumbled as they went off to fetch their master, who undoubtedly would not enjoy such an intrusion. Nu didn't care though, she still had to pass out silverware…and keep the pig to stay quiet. She bounced back into the kitchen, ready to start the finishing touches to her feast.

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><p><em>Later that night…<em>

Ragna, the infamous SS classed criminal, known throughout Kagutsuchi as 'The Grim Reaper,' stood outside the castle, downright terrified. He did NOT want to go into that house. He remembered Rachel's pets coming up to him with the invitation, thinking it was going to be some insult or something. On the contrary, it was worse. Not because it was an invitation, even though he didn't enjoy parties all too much anyway. But because he read who it was really from. He gulped and decided it was too late to back down now. He grabbed hold of the doorknob, sucked in his fear, and preceded to open the door.

Five seconds. It took no less than five seconds to regret his decision.

As soon as he entered the house, he found the huge table, filled to the brim with food, surrounded by several individuals making Ragna wish he never accepted the damn invitation. What could have been worse? Oh yeah: Everyone was staring directly at him.

An eye-grating cacophony followed. "Finally! Ragna! Took ya long enough! Asshole! We can eat now, right?" Worst of all, "Brother!"

Ragna scanned the room and saw each one of them, meeting each of their gazes. On the left of the table - from where was standing - sat Tager, Litchi, Platinum, Tsubaki, Jin, and, odd enough, Rachel, with Valkenhayn standing right next to her. On the right, Tao, Bang, Carl (with Nirvana standing right next to him), Noel, and an empty space with a sign that read _RAGNA!_ with hearts dotted around his name. And who else was to sit in the head seat but Nu, a warm, terrifying smile plastered on her face at the sight of Ragna.

_This…is going…to suck._ Ragna thought to himself.

"Jeez, will you hurry up and sit down so we can eat this grub already?" Platinum angrily shouted as usual.

"Cool it, I'm sitting down already. Jeez…" Ragna thought for a second about sitting down right where he was. Being the closest to the door was never a bad thing. But then, the amount of food and Nu's little sign…must of taken forever for her to make. Sighing, the Grim Reaper slowly made his way up the row on the right, wanting to avoid Jin and his insanity. He took his seat, right next to Nu, who continued to stare at him.

Ragna locked eyes with her. "So…are we allowed to eat now, Nu?"

Her eye lit up when he said her name. Nu leapt up out of her seat, almost rocketing into the ceiling. "Yes! Nu will let everyone eat now! Enjoy!"

At first, everyone was hesitant. Well, mostly everyone. Both Tao and Platinum began to gorge themselves with food, not caring whether or not the food was moving or not. Bang was the next person to move in onto a piece of food, but was stopped when said food began to talk to him.

"By the gods, this pig isn't dead!" He shouted.

"Please," The swine pleaded. "Finish me…finish me!"

Most of the others were taken aback by this, scooting away from the tied up animal. Nu stabbed a finger at the beast. "Hey! Porky! Stop talking, matey, you're, like, supposed to be dead or some junk."

"I already am…" The pig quietly retorted.

Jin rubbed his head. "Is this the expected meal for tonight? Food that isn't even dead yet?"

Nu stared at him sharply for the icy comment. "No, just the pig is alive."

"But…why?" Tager, who was the farthest away, spoke up. "Why not just kill the poor creature now? He seems welcoming to the idea."

Again, Nu frowned at the Red Giant's comment. She quickly looked back at the pig, dubbed 'Porky,' who had begun mumbling his final words to Bang, who was listening intently for some reason.

Ragna, who had begun eating a chicken wing, spoke through his chewing. "Not to bash you Nu, but the big guy and my brother are both right…for the most part."

"Oh, brother~" Jin's eyes grew wide when his brother mentioned him.

Fed up with the comments, Nu stepped up onto the table, knocking over glasses and food over the place, until she reached the pig. Angrily, she summoned a sword from thin air and brought in down onto the pig with no mercy. Blood and whatever else she had stuffed into the swine flew out, covering many of her guests. Noel squealed in terror, ducking her head into Carl's arms, who began to pat his much older friend. Both Litchi and Tsubaki exchanged glances, not knowing what to say. Ragna to a stare at Rachel, whom a frown filled with anger had begun to form. He chuckled.

"And you green lighted this because?"

Rachel said nothing, only stared at him with anger, to which he began chewing his food again. Nu leapt off the table, covered in blood and…noodles, for some reason, and sat back down on the throne. Bang began to scream into the night.

"Porky! We are going to miss you as you begin you ascent into the heavens above. You were a noble pig, and we will never forget you…"

Tao, who stopped divulging herself for two seconds looked up at Bang. "Scruffy man, you need to chill out. He was just a pig."

"A noble pig, Tao. A noble pig." Bang corrected in honor of the friend he talked to for about a minute.

Nu began rubbing her temples, angered by how wrong the whole situation was going. "How could Nu let all this happen? Everyone is being so mean to Nu…" She mumbled.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked. Ragna stared at her with his different colored eyes. "It's OK, Nu. You probably worked very hard on this food. And it is a little better than eating Noel's cooking."

A collective nod came from most of the other guests, except Noel, who tried to dive deeper into Carl's arms. Nu giggled at her displeasure. At least that made her happy.

"Besides, it's not like anything else could go wrong." Ragna finished.

As if on cue, the chicken that Nu had worked on earlier began to wobble about, knocking over Jin and Noel's glasses. It bounded to and fro, sending more and more food and drink into the unfortunate laps of Tsubaki and Carl, which in turn meant food got into Noel's hair.

"Aiyeh!" Noel screamed as she tried to pick out whatever landed in her blonde hair.

The chicken stopped, letting the others look at it and each other with confusion and fear. Rachel practically stabbed Nu with a stare. "What did you put in that poultry?"

Nu itched her head, thinking back to when she started making her meal. "Well…I think a worm might have gotten into it…and I sprinkled it with this!" She pulled out a tiny vile, labeled _GROWING SPICE: NEVER, NEVER USE IN LARGE DOSES_.

Rachel swiped the vile from Nu. "It's empty!" She shouted at the Murakumo Unit, who simply raised her hands up in a 'wa-wa-waaa' fashion.

The chicken then lurched up, alerting everyone at the table. Then, something popped in it, releasing some pieces of it over the table. Finally, it's chest erupted, spreading its chicken guts all over…again. What emerged from the long dead farm animal was most definitely worm like, but it looked like a worm on steroids. It bared its serrated teeth, making a screeching sound that echoed throughout the castle.

"Is someone going to do ANYTHING about that?" Tsubaki shouted, her hands cupped around her ears, like most of the others.

Nu acted quickly, taking Ragna's sword, which he conveniently had on his side, and began pounding the table with its broad side like a fly swatter. Ragna looked up in irritation. "You do know there's a sharp edge to that, right Nu?"

The worm-creature dodged the initial attacks, screeching as it did so. It jumped out of its host and began to skitter across the table toward the exit. More food flew, more drinks were spilled, and many guests gasped in terror, stupidity, confusion, or all three.

Just as the creature made it to the edge of the table, - followed closely behind by a sword-bearing Nu - the front door opened, revealing a nicely suited man wearing a fedora with green hair.

"'Sup bitches. Terumi's here!" Hazama so graciously began. The creature leaped off the table at the unexpected visitor, who had no time to react. It clung to his face, wrapping it's tail around the captain's neck.

"GAH! Get it off, get it off, get if off!" Hazama pleaded, taking many steps out of the house and began to run off, back from which he came. Everyone stared at him through the door, especially Nu, who still stood on top of the table.

Ragna was the first to speak up. "You invited him?" He asked Nu.

She turned and shrugged, a sheepish smile on her face.

"That is it! I have had it with this idiocy," Rachel slammed her hands on the table. She motioned towards Tager. "If you will, Mr. Red Devil."

At first, he didn't understand. But then he analyzed the situation, finding that he was at the end of the table, and Nu at the front. He sighed. "Whatever." He slammed his iron fist into the table, smashing it to pieces. But not before launching a confused Nu into the air and out through a stained-glass window above the front door. The last thing the guest's could hear from their former hostess was, "Like, bye everybody!"

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><p>(Gag Ending. Warning: You won't understand this if you haven't read my previous Blazblue fanfic: "A Nightmare in Kagutsuchi." But you can read it anyway.)<p>

A knock came at the door. Rachel, who had just shooed everyone else out - save for Ragna - just about an hour ago, rose up from her rightful seat on the throne to answer the door herself. She passed Valkenhayn, Nago, Gii, and Ragna as they cleaned up the extraordinary mess left behind. The vampire opened the front door and stared at the three individuals who stood in front of her.

The one in front looked a little older than she was, probably about fifteen. He wore a simple black jacket with a grey shirt underneath and jeans. His poofy black hair surely was a sight. To his left stood a girl looking similar to Rachel, with the gothic outfit and age. Except she had white hair instead of blonde. To the first figure's right stood a much taller character, with a metal body and few bits of burlap clothing covering his torso. He wore a great brim hat and a skull mask, with neon green eyes showing through.

"Yes, what do you want?" Rachel irritably spoke.

The middle figure spoke out. "Uh…yeah. We heard there was a party going on?"

_SLAM!_

The trio sat in silence, the door significantly shut in front of their faces. The metal man spoke first.

"How rude. You'd think they'd let the writer of the story get a freebie." Ghaunt folded his arms.

Mariana shrugged. "They probably had a rough night," She turned to me (the author). "Did you?"

I smiled fiendishly. "Writing fanfics is fun."

_The End._

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><p><strong>AN: Talk about crushing the forth wall and eating it for breakfast, eh? Oh well, hope you enjoyed. **

**Nu is one of my favorite characters from the Blazblue Series, which is hard for me to say because, well, I practically love them all. But she had the most bubbly personality and could be used for many comedic sketches. Or at least I thought she could be. Like in Continuum Shift, when she goes: "We're being attacked, matey!" in Ragna's Gag Reel. That's hysterical.**

**Also, I added in one or two other references. I want to see if you can find them. It'll be like a scavenger hunt. A pointless, probably stupid scavenger hunt!**

**Thanks for reading! Have a good one, and review if you like**


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